The demise of my hopeless romantic
Until very recently, I saw it as a strength that I believed I could find love anywhere. I wore this optimism as a superwoman cape, thinking that my mindset would be rewarded by making my wish come true. I would leave the house, open for any opportunity. A woman I met once told me that she met her boyfriend on the metro. How strange, I thought. I guess that opened a mental door: Anything is possible. The grocery store, a café, a museum, my yoga class. Maybe this sounds open-minded and hopeful to you? Guess what! It’s not. I was now haunted by missed opportunities wherever I went. I realized that my optimism was delirious and not in touch my with reality. Which is that finding love is magical and very rare.
I decided to separate with my hopeless romantic.
I’ve been reading an amazing book called Unwinding Anxiety by Dr Judson Brewer, where he uses cognitive therapy to track and flip behaviors. Thanks to this book, I’ve started noticing behaviors that don’t make me feel good. I write them down on my phone as instructed:
Trigger:
Behavior:
Result:
Once I got the hang of it, it was quite interesting and fun. I’ve tracked all kinds of uncomfortable emotions, including anxiety, but also thoughts/behaviors that make me feel sad, unworthy or lonely. I searched my body for discomfort throughout my day, and noticed that this eternal, optimistic rose-tinted view on finding love was gnawing on me under the covers. I was never off duty and I was constantly failing.
The reality of my recent experience is this: Love is in the last place you expect to find it. And it won’t be because you tried hard, focused enough or control-freaked your way through a connection with romantic potential. It will grow from unwatered land you forgot you owned. The only thing you have to do is give in, lay down and say yes: “I do feel this.” And it will continue to surprise you by being safe, again and again, asking nothing of you that you wouldn’t give freely and happily. It is patient. It is sometimes inconvenient and unorthodox, a light pink fog entering my room until I am entirely immersed. Most importantly, it feels like home.
What I have experienced to be true, and will continue to believe, is that for me, finding a true connection only happens once in a blue moon. And it is completely out of my control. Embodying this realization is liberating and enables me to be present with myself in a deeper way. I’ve let go of the subconscious belief that I need to fight for love.
When I’ve said that I want to be free, I realize that this is what I meant.
— Pernille