Let go and you can have it all
I think the most important lesson we learn is life is balance. It is the core of everything. I keep coming back to it again and again and observe myself going from one extreme to the other, noticing that both sides are a part of the dance. It sometimes feels like I am in a rowboat in stormy weather, grasping the edges and trying not to vomit. The only way out is by “going with the flow” until it’s over. I am terrible at this.
Realistically, if I was in a boat during a storm, I would try to control the weather. I would look in all directions of the sky, try to understand it and see if there was some blue sky coming or lighter colored clouds. I would try to make the boat more stable and constantly make an effort to make the situation better. Under no circumstance would I sit down in the boat and give up. I am a control freak.
I don’t like being in control all the time, but the opposite is terrifying. I would have to let go. I would have to say that “I don’t control what happens in life, I am not responsible” and that makes me feel helpless. One thing I’ve learned the past decade is that I create my own happiness, which is empowering on one side, and exhausting on the other. I need balance.
For those of you who are into astrology, I am a Scorpio sun with my moon in Pisces. What part of this clusterfuck of signs I was born into that makes me unable to see anything but black and white is unknown. I do everything a hundred percent or zero. Grey zones don’t exist, though I have flirted with it the past few years, but quite quickly fall into yes or no, black or white, heaven or hell. It is a constant game of ping pong.
When I am in a difficult spot with a friend, lose motivation or hope, wish I could create or control an outcome, it feels good to let go. In my mind, letting go means giving up and never seeing that person again or working further on that project, but maybe it just means giving up control.
“I give up”. Can this phrase be liberating?
I know these situations so well, when you’re glued to your phone waiting for a reply from somebody, or discussing an issue with three different people in one day to try to understand and create this neat little package that can be handled. But all situations and relations are living organisms and can’t stay the same. Even if you could understand something for moment, it’s fleeting. Unpredictability gives me anxiety and makes me feel unsafe. So, I create the illusion of stability by being a control freak. It is exhausting.
Letting go would mean to trust. I am terrible at that as well. It seems like our culture is action-driven, and rightfully so, we can’t sit inside and wait for someone to knock on our door and deliver our dream life. But letting go would naturally mean to do less.
I remember reading a quote by Ram Dass a while back:
“The most exquisite paradox is as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can't have it. The minute you don't want power, you'll have more than you ever dreamed possible.”
And Oprah Winfrey said something beautiful on the Goop podcast:
“Don't hold anything too tightly. Just wish for it. Want it. Let it come from the intention of real truth for you and then let it go. And if it's supposed to be yours it will show up and it won't show up until you stop holding it so tightly.”
I think freedom is more important than control, and this leaves me in the rowboat with nothing to do but trust. Just like balance is essential to living, it is the natural way of things. Seasons change, storms end, and the sun comes out. It feels safe to know that nothing lasts forever, this is the only thing we can truly trust. Believing in my own strength and ability to handle whatever is coming is what keeps me grounded. That’s all I can control.
—Pernille