Faith over fear
Our minds are powerful tools. As I’ve been observing negative thoughts and patterns lately, I’ve also realized that I have a choice in which directions I’d like to let my mind take me. To be clear, this is not an easy task. I have been on a sort of healing journey for a decade now, and training the mind takes time. But it was quite a few years ago when I understood for the first time that I didn’t have to let myself drag me down into a dark hole. And then I forgot. Of course.
The other day, I saw a quote that said:
“Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose. “
This year has shown me what a disturbing mental space I’m able to enter when I just let my negative and anxious thoughts run free without questioning them. But I believe this might be a gift; when you hit a wall, you see clearly that you have to turn around.
So, I had a thought: If my mind is able to send me into such unbearable and scary spaces, what kind of heaven am I able to create? Can I choose to believe in a bearable scenario instead of the worst one? I notice how much pain it brings me when I decide to believe in the underworld, and I I’d like to be kind enough to myself to pick myself up from that mood elevator to hell. I don’t want to be so scared of living that life itself becomes unbearable.
I sometimes observe people who seem to be able to keep a stable and positive attitude no matter the circumstances, and I admire them deeply. I imagine it takes a lot of work to achieve such a secure mentality. Or are they Buddhist? My nature is more like a Norwegian lemming, a tiny rodent who dies of stress when it becomes too angry. Not very Zen.
My recent meditations reflect around how we are only here briefly. It is easy to forget. Life is long, but there is no guarantee. As privileged and spoiled millennials, some of us are chasing the perfect life. The perfect job, partner, health and family at the perfect time. I’ve recently moved on to thinking that I’ll be fine if I don’t have all those things. My life is good enough as it is today, right now. If nothing changes, I will be proud of myself. But the beauty is that everything changes all the time. So I need to have faith.
No number of negative thoughts or anxiety will change how our lives turn out. This reminds me to read Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart (again). She talks about how the only thing we can rely on is that everything changes. Having legs to stand on is an illusion. So how do we become comfortable floating around in space with no earth in sight?
My good friend Rauwanne reminded me recently that healing happens little by little. Every little grain slowly becomes a sandcastle. So, I am staying present, enjoying every morning coffee, every wine date with friends by the canal, and every good morning text from my favorite person. And when hell comes knocking on my door, I’ll be present and ready to make better choices for myself. I really deserve it.
—Pernille