I recently saw a video of an interview with the Dalai Lama where a man in the audience asked him what advice he would give to anxious and depressed young people. The Dalai Lama replied: “You are too focused on yourself. The antidote to a self-centered attitude is altruism”. The dictionary defines altruism as “unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others.” I found it very interesting and thought about sending it to some of my juniors that I know struggle with their mental health. But it is obviously just as relevant for me.
I believe my generation is incredibly lucky. None of our parents went through war, and many of us believed the Spice Girls could save the world. I grew up in a big red house with a big garden and all my family close by. Over the garden fence lived my mom’s close friends with a daughter around the same age as me and my brother. We went on holidays to Greece, and I got new clothes whenever needed.
My peaceful childhood in one rich country opened up every opportunity for me to choose whatever I would like to do with my life. I have always been a creative person and knew I wouldn’t choose a traditional path. All the doors were open. The voices in my head said: “Take your pick! Where do you want to go? You can create the perfect life.”
Enter: Pressure.
We are Generation Create Your Own Happiness. We have every tool and every possibility to create the perfect life if we just work hard enough. The only one stopping us is ourselves. That means that we are our own worst enemy.
Enter: Anxiety.
I’ve heard that making a decision between two choices is easier than between 15. Too many choices make us freeze, our brains trying to process every outcome. (This might be why it feels so difficult to choose a partner when you feel like you have the whole world on a dating app in your pocket). I think this is where a lot of the anxiety in our generation comes from, the fact that we could choose anything and excel at it if we work hard enough. So, we become incredibly introspective, wishing to get to know ourselves to choose what would truly make us happy. And if we are not happy, we have nobody to blame but ourselves!
But if we do achieve this perfect life, what is our reward? Are we working for all this just to be good enough to be granted permission to create something bigger, like a family? Here is where I think it gets interesting: Are we working for all of this, so we eventually don’t have only ourselves to think about?
Just before my brother became a father, he told me that he was excited to not have to think about himself so much. That stuck with me. Having a purpose outside of yourself feels good. It allows you to simply exist in the presence of something important. It quiets the mind. I remember when my paternal grandmother was dying, I went to see her every day, and I felt a strange sense of calm. Seeing her was most important, and everything else could wait. This sense of purpose felt grounding.
I believe thinking of others is a gift, it is an escape from an anxious mind. And being needed the same. But I realize that I live in a world where people are very independent, and believe it is our job to fix our own problems. We are scared of being too much. But I would be honored if someone needed me. I believe it would benefit us all.
It is a privilege to be able to focus on ourselves, but I think life has taught me balance. And maybe we don’t need to wait for someone to need us. We can be giving for our own selfish reasons: because it feels really, freaking good. That is an enlightened form of self-centeredness.
—Pernille